Hazel Edwards | This or That & the 'Person' Within

I always thought I had to choose one thing or the other.

It was either a barbie doll or an action figure, a floral skirt or khaki shorts, sneakers or sandals, pop music or heavy metal, it was never both. I grew up with this mentality; there was either a this or a that. The one time I was actually given a third option; I didn't know what to do with myself. How could I after years of thinking I could only choose one thing or the other? How could I choose both or neither for that matter? My struggle was more than just deciding what flavour of ice cream to get; it was a struggle of deciding something within myself. Should I drop out of high school or go on to university? Should I take this job I will hate or keep looking for one I will love? Should I be friends with these people because they're popular or find friends I actually like? Should I be me, or someone else?

As I got older and made more of these decisions I realised that my frustration with choosing 'this or that' was always down to one question; am I gay or straight?

When sitting in on Hazel Edwards 'Text Marks The Spot' School's day session, I was reminded of this struggle and I began to feel an appreciation towards her as an author. The thing that I admired most about Hazel was not the 200+ books she had mounted on her trophy cabinet. Sure her number of published books is impressive, but that's not what was going to draw the audience and myself to the edge of our seats. Instead, what compelled us was the curiosity of a woman with her stature, to attempt to understand an issue that was otherwise confusing to her. Despite this confusion and lack of understanding, she still challenged herself and took on a topic far greater than any she had before. She wrote a novel that represented a community of people who struggle everyday with finding legitimate recognition. Hazel took on the role of writing one representation that could stand as a powerful source of knowledge, understanding and acceptance.

While listening to her discuss her new novel, f2M: The Boy Within, I began to look around and take note of all the school children. I tried to imagine what each of them were thinking.

Photography by Shane Carey  http://thesensitiveshutterphotography.weebly.com/

Some were probably fighting the urge to fidget or contemplating the order in which they would scoff down their lunch. Others were probably thinking about the crush they had on their classmate two isles down or silently organizing how they were going to spend their weekend. A few were probably listening to the discussion or trying to think up suitable questions, both in an effort to impress their teachers. Yet, there would be one, I imagined there would be one. The one who sat there listening and feeling something. Maybe they would feel a sense of safety? Maybe they would take a closer step to accepting themselves? Maybe they would be feeling what I might have felt when I was their age?

As I sat there and thought about these kids, I began to feel something indescribable. I just knew that despite the novels success or failure as a piece of literary fiction, this is one more book to add to the limited selection of LGBT depictions. One day there is going to be a boy or a girl who at some point will begin to search for an explanation as to who they are. On that day, they may come across Hazel's novel or another one similar and without realizing it, they may have found the book that touches them. This could be the book that they can finally relate to, the one that shows them they are not alone, and the one they feel truly represents them.

Hazel's novel discusses the question that many of us ask ourselves, who am I?

The answer is simple, there is no choice in who you are, you are just you.